CAST:

 

Lead Actor: Euripides, Han Emperor

Second Actor: Euphorion, Agathon

Third Actor: Cleon, Wife of Sun Zhu

Forth Actor: Cratinus, , Sun Zhu

The Chorus including named audience members

 

Prologue: An Athenian Tavern in Summer

Parados: Euripides’ House

Agon: A Small Athenian Theatre

Parabasis: An Athenian Tavern during A Horse Fair

Scene 5: The Feast of Dionysia

Exodus: The Imperial Court of Xi'an, Dionysia

 

 

INTRODUCTION.

 

One summer, 5th Century BC. Euripides is at the height of his fame as a poet and hopes to win the drama crown at the next Dionysia festival, an important religious and drama event held in March. He has made some bitter rivalries and been accused of bribery and plagiarism, which most write off as sour grapes.

 

Cleon is a powerful but unpopular man in Athens because Athens has had both economic and military disasters of late and Cleon has been blamed widely, including by Euripides himself.

 

This is the generation after Socrates and Confucius who were near contemporaries.

 

 

 

 

Prologue: An Athenian Tavern in Summer

 

 

Euphorion is drunk and upset. Enter Euripides who addresses Euphorion as he passes.

 

 

EURIPIDES

Why are you hammering that sack? Are you so short of jealous friends?

 

EUPHORION

He jokes at me!

 

EURIPIDES

If you’re miserable already you’ve spent enough!

 

EUPHORION

But you’re here on somebody’s tip. Who’s ink have you spilled now?

 

EURIPIDES

I earn my wage and I can spend it without supplementing it out of my eyeballs, bruv.

 

EUPHORION

Well, I have to get my money’s worth. I’m not friends with the powerful and corrupt!

 

EURIPIDES

Stop it! You sound like Cratinus’ chorus. Cleon gave me no payment. And you would have livelier vintages if you didn’t pay my neighbours to read over my shoulder.

 

EUPHORION

I know what you’re little runner said when he left and I know where you went and took it. It’s at Cleon’s house and it’s the reason he blinks at what you pay the Archon.

 

​

Euphorion begins to pour his wine slowly onto the table. It pools and starts to drip into his lap.

 

​

EUPHORION

To whatever gods don’t love a liar!

 

EURIPIDES

And what ever gods love doing laundry!

 

EUPHORION

What you owe me more than pays for the cleaning bill, of the table, tavern and togs.

 

EURIPIDES

And your litter and Listerine and loo roll too! Then you better get yourself another bottle because if you accuse me one more time of flogging your asinine chorus boy play to some foreign bunch, I’ll tell Cleon myself you want to indite him and he’ll probably offer you the money for the litigant! Now roll over before people start saying I stole your whole head instead of your crown.

 

EUPHORION

If you have no shame, I’ll have none for you but you can’t hide your love behind the stains or your shams. You know how good the play was and you’ve sold it to the Persian. Let the litter take me as far as you’ve taken my work. For my pay!

 

EURIPIDES

And for your part I don’t owe you even that. Pay it yourself. Pay it as far as I’d throw your voice or mine and you won’t find a word of your own because you only read off your own lap. Goodnight Euphorion!

 

 

Euripides leaves.

 

 

EUPHORION

We’ll see in March! We’ll see at Dionysia, Euripides. Read off my lap! Knee to knee I wrote with him! Hinges was a collaboration. How could it not be? HINGES? That was the joke! Now the joke is the tightest screw takes it, BUT OWN IT! Only own it!

 

 

Euphorion manages to chuckle and looks into his cup.

 

 

 

Parados: Euripides’ House

 

 

The Wife of Sun Zhu (Clearly not a Persian) awaits Euripides. Euripides enters and locks his front door, then he uses a different key to unlock his study and enters. WOSZ rises to follow.

 

 

WOSZ

You were longer than an hour.

 

EURIPIDES

I ran into a competitor. He saw me leave Cleon’s after I met you yesterday and he thinks I stole off him. I had to wind him up so that he tells the whole world, otherwise somebody might believe him.

 

WOSZ

I’ve concluded that I can’t use Hinges.

 

 

Euripides turns from the wine he is pouring for them.

 

​

EURIPIDES

How have you heard of Hinges?

 

WOSZ

I read it at Cleon’s. I didn’t enjoy it.

 

EURIPIDES

How has Cleon gotten hold of Hinges? I’ll make him hinges! I wasn’t offering Hinges. You still didn’t tell me what you’ve brought for me.

 

WOSZ

You first! That was the deal at the Indus. The traveller decides.

 

EURIPIDES

Well I’m glad they sent a woman. There you go.

 

 

Euripides flings a parchment with the title Women at WOSZ and goes to lock the door and fetch the wine. WOSZ peruses the play.

 

 

WOSZ

Women!

 

EURIPIDES

Just read.

Why did the Emperor send a woman?

 

WOSZ

My husband Sun Zhu has another task.

 

Euripides

A task as important as this?

 

WOSZ

He is to train the Emperor’s harem.

 

EURIPIDES (laughs)

What, did you marry a pretty boy? That explains why you volunteered! Or did you marry a eunuch?

 

WOSZ

He’s training the harem in the war. I need no such training! And my Greek is much better than his.

 

 

WOSZ resumes reading and Euripides looks at her anew. Then strips and looks for evening attire.

 

 

WOSZ

No! This is complete garbage. My husband would have to re-write the whole thing. You know nothing whatsoever about women.

 

EURIPIDES

Read it to me.

 

WOSZ

Dancing to the gods but all for the hex,

The damage they’re doing, this soberer sex.

 

You don’t know women at all!

 

EURIPIDES

Boy, you read fast!

 

WOSZ

Easier sitting still. Put your clothes on.

 

EURIPIDES

Can you do better? Seeing as your husband probably is!

 

 

Euripides proceeds to dress.

 

 

WOSZ

I can try.

 

EURIPIDES

Quietly then. They plagiarize from three different walls in this place.

 

 

WOSZ whispers and Euripides jumps back in shock.

 

 

EURIPIDES

I can’t put that in!

 

WOSZ

You can worry about cuckolding. Let me worry about cock holding! (aside) and watch us outbreed them!

 

 

Euripides walks to his discarded clothes and removes The Mask of the Indus: A mask made of the bottom of Socrates’ face and the top of Confucius’. There is a join down the middle. He splits the mask, looking at both halves and reassembles it.

 

 

EURIPIDES

Why do you think our Socrates agreed to let your boy be on top?

 

WOSZ

It must have been because of his wonderful bushy beard!

 

EURIPIDES

Well Your boy certainly had more on top!

 

WOSZ

Did your BOY tell you that, or did you infer it from experience?

 

EURIPIDES

I don’t remember. We still used to share a cup back then!

 

WOSZ

Well at least I bring back the part you remember fondest, even if that memory is wanting.

 

EURIPIDES

Oh it’s fresher for it.

 

 

Euripides sets the mask on a stand on his table, sniffs it and returns to his desk.

 

 

EURIPIDES

Enough of this women crap. I’m going to lose this year anyway. I was seen going to Cleon’s and they’ll all say I bribed him no matter what I put on.

 

WOSZ

Well I won’t.

 

EURIPIDES

What?

 

WOSZ

How do I answer that?

 

EURIPIDES

I didn’t.. Look if you want to pick another Didaskalos, go ahead!

 

WOSZ

Based upon what? I just spent a year and a half on the road from Xi’an. I don’t know the Greeks from the Ecbatanans.

 

EURIPIDES

Right. Get your ass up. We’re going out.

 

WOSZ

Right now? Where?

 

EURIPIDES

There are still shows on. Tell me if you can see any better.

 

 

Euripides grabs his key and wallet and heads for the door but WOSZ lingers by his desk.

 

 

WOSZ

Is this your WIP? (reads) Artists of War

 

EURIPIDES

It’s Art at War and it’s not ready. Are you?

 

WOSZ

Well you could be more liberal in both.

 

 

They exit.

 

 

 

Agon: A Small Athenian Theatre

 

 

WOSZ and Euripides are at a small theatre. The players are taking the stage. The Chorus is in the audience.

 

 

WOSZ

So who is playing?

 

EURIPIDES

Quid pro quo!

 

WOSZ

In Greek?

 

EURIPIDES

Dikaii Synallagi!

 

WOSZ

Is he any good?

 

EURIPIDES

It means, you tell me the name of the play you’re husband sent and I’ll tell you the name of the play-write we’re watching.

 

WOSZ

Waves.

 

EURIPIDES

Agathon.

 

 

The actors take the stage. The Chorus Leader pronounces:

 

 

CHOR

I give you AGATHON!

​

AGATHON

Our poor players welcome you to this rehearsal.

 

CHOR

And our money!

 

CHOR2

To see this lot rehearse? It’d pay them to rehearse in private!

 

LEAD ACTOR (Chorus)

I work cheap! If you paid me more I’d be willing to stop!

​

EURIPIDES (to WOSZ)

So tell me more about Waves.

 

WOSZ

A Beautiful girl From the North and a beautiful girl from the south argue about who’s prettiest, but offend the god and he kills them with an ocean.

 

EURIPIDES

So two pretty girls are having a fanny and face off and they get killed by a tidal wave?

 

WOSZ

Yes.

 

 

They are interrupted by a raised voice.

 

 

NIKIAS

You should say that to me again out the back!

 

 

Agathon turns, bends over and repeats:

 

 

AGATHON

Its’ still academic, what the price of a ticket is

But we can talk to Dion ‘cos he’s subsidised for this.

It’s said his pocket’s tighter than Nikias’ fist But if he’s legless, call on Eneas and he can thumb a lift.

 

 

Agathon turns back. Eneas rises holding a riding crop and cheers,.

 

 

AGATHON

No need to get ugly Nikias. But answer any way you like.

 

 

Agathon does a 360 turn and the audience roars.

 

 

EURIPIDES

I can work with that.

 

WOSZ

Well you haven’t shown me all the poets yet.

 

EURIPIDES

We should wait at least for the wine break.

​

PHOIBOS

You bought him a horse!

 

Phoibos who is sitting next to Nikias rises and attacks Eneas, who tries to beat him off with a riding crop. The rest of chorus try and break them up but are laughing too much. Nikias just stares at Agathon.

 

 

WOSZ

I thought it was bad form for the Greeks to fight at the theatre.

 

EURIPIDES

Yes, but it’s bang out of order if nobody gets punched at a rehearsal.

 

WOSZ

Who’s next?

 

 

Euripides rises and walks towards the door but WOSZ is in front of him and taking her time.

 

 

AGATHON

And all of you who thought you’d seen it all, as I

But wait! As Zeus yet labours, seems our Euripides has a date!

 

EURIPIDES

Not before you Agathon, you miss design my end

And Hades take us but but much more time with you my friend!

 

 

Agathon bows low and Euripides and WOSZ exit.

 

 

OUT ON THE STREET

WOSZ and Euripides are walking.

 

 

WOSZ

So where to?

 

EURIPIDES

What? My rejoinder to Agathon hasn’t convinced you? And it was under fire!

 

WOSZ

From a drunken gang of poofs?

 

EURIPIDES

That was Athens’ top wrestling team!

 

WOSZ

And you, a mere writer!

 

EURIPIDES

You want to see a fighter?

 

WOSZ

They seem more entertaining than your friends.

 

EURIPIDES

Alright!

 

 

Euripides changes direction and heads purposefully in a new direction. WOSZ marches behind bemused.

 

 

ANOTHER THEATRE

Euripides and WOSZ enter from the back.

 

 

EURIPIDES

Be quiet. We’re late.

 

 

TIMAEUS

.. who’s come to cut my nails for me.

 

 

Actor attacks Timaeus and Timaeus evades his knife thrusts, while cutting his own finger nails one at a time, until he has done this seven times, then he disarms and kills his opponent.

 

 

TIMAEUS

Nervous, indeed, I had a right to be … but I had only bitten three.

 

WOSZ

BOOO!

 

 

The Chorus looks aghast. Warrior Poet only glances Euripides’ way and continues.

 

 

TIMAEUS

Amis, amis a missive! Do I need interpretation?

 

 

The Chorus turn to a SIMON reading his mail.

 

 

TIMAEUS

Take it up with SIMON if I miss my next oration

a soldier follows orders and the adage is well read.

But if all he does is read then he’d better stayed in bed!

 

 

SIMON just smiles and nods and reads on.

 

 

SIMON

Well you better prop this up for me Timaeus!

​

TIMAEUS

Well taught, I am. And here’s a man wont bring us down before he’s up. But here’s some better rot.

 

 

Poet turns to Euripides.

 

 

TIMAEUS

They say he’s just a talker but he’s tough to take the bait

Is his seat so cold it’s frozen him? He shouldn’t have come late.

​

WOSZ

Don’t move!

 

 

WOSZ rises and walks toward the stage.

 

 

WOSZ (to Timaeus’s sword)

You can put that away unless you want me to tuck it in for you. Tell me about this rot.

 

 

WOSZ points to her own chin. Timaeus makes a slack effort at slapping her in the face and missing but she appears perfectly serious and slaps him hard in the face.

 

 

WOSZ (bored)

Don’t make me break a nail!

 

 

5 more times Timeaus plays and loses the slap game and 5 more times WOSZ wins and on the 5th, Timeaus punches his own actor.

 

 

WOSZ

You should wrap it up. I’m not quite as nervous as you.

 

 

WOSZ walks towards the exit.

 

 

EURIPIDES

You wince some and you lose some, though spectacular oration

It’s never been your blocking, mate, just your coordination!

 

 

WOSZ and Euripides exit.

 

OUT ON THE STREET

Euripides catches up to WOSZ.

 

 

EURIPIDES

Anther one?

 

WOSZ

I’ve seen enough. Where can I get a drink?

 

EURIPIDES

Say no more! You can tell me all about these women and their waves on the way.

 

 

Euripides begins to lead but WOSZ can see a tavern nearby.

 

 

WOSZ

What is wrong with this place?

 

EURIPIDES

No women!

 

 

Pregnant pause.

 

 

WOSZ

Okay!

 

 

Euripides and WOSZ exit.

 

CURTAIN

 

INTERMISSION.

 

 

Parabasis: An Athenian Tavern during A Horse Fair

 

 

Euphorion and CRATINUS are conversing and drinking at a table.

 

 

CRATINUS

It’s always been the same at these fairs. Everywhere is crowded. Bumpkin knights descend from who cares where and lout all over the streets. Every tosser is running around prostituting themselves to the braggarts, trying to make a drachma and the only place you can get a quiet drink are the dives like this, with tasteless punters and worse wines.

 

EUPHORION

And they fill up with women too ugly for any better.

 

CRATINUS

So I heard something going around.

 

EUPHORION

Something about me?

 

CRATINUS

Your favourite subject, but one I’ll attend if there was anything in it.

 

EUPHORION

Tell on.

 

CRATINUS

Or I could ask Euripides!

 

EUPHORION

You are most welcome too talk to Euripides!

 

CRATINUS

But you already have!

 

EUPHORION

Okay. I talked to Euripides.

 

CRATINUS

I heard you talked to Cleon, right after you talked to Euripides.

 

EUPHORION

Euripides was not much help.

 

CRATINUS

So what did Cleon do?

 

EUPHORION

Cleon wasn’t much help either.

 

CRATINUS

You’re obnoxious when you’re drunk.

 

EUPHORION

You’re obnoxious all the time!

 

CRATINUS

And so better practised.

 

EUPHORION

You never needed to practice it’s a natural gift!

 

CRATINUS

So let’s be obnoxious about the one thing we can agree on.

 

EUPHORION

Well alright. It started a few years ago at Dionysia. As you know, I didn’t have a chorus then.

 

CRATINUS

Because those bastard archons took a bribe.

 

EUPHORION

And the whole city knew.

 

CRATINUS

I backed you up at the time.

 

EUPHORION

You did. I remember. Thank you. But I wrote a play for Euripides. Well, I wrote the parabasis and he says he lost it.

 

CRATINUS

Wait! He lost it?

 

EUPHORION

That’s what he says. Look, I nearly had to leave Athens, I was so strapped for cash. If I hadn’t found a chorodidaskalos I’d have gone and he would have entered it.

 

CRATINUS

Ah, I never knew that part.

 

EUPHORION

You see what I mean?

 

CRATINUS

I’ve had his number for a long time. Choro or no, Bro. Go on.

 

EUPHORION

So last week my slave tells me that there’s this Persian woman in the Agora and she’s looking for the poet of Cleon.

 

CRATINUS

Poet of Cleon?

 

EUPHORION

She was going on about some national poet, like it was a thing and then two days ago, Euripides’ neighbour runs clear across town to tell me Euripides has gone to see this same Persian Woman at Cleon’s house.

 

 

Euphorion sits back triumphant.

 

 

CRATINUS

But my dear man, we have two clauses. You must now give me your conclusion.

 

EUPHORION

Well, you won’t buy it.

 

CRATINUS

I’ll buy the next round.

 

 

Cratinus rises.

 

 

CRATINUS

And I’ll gamble your lips will loosen before my logic.

 

 

Cratinus goes to the bar and orders wine, where he sees WOSZ enter and manages to duck before Euripides enters after her. Euripides orders wine and tosses a coin at a servant who leads the two to a table, allowing Cratinus to grab his wine and sneak back to Euphorion.

 

 

EURIPIDES

Wine. A lot of it!

 

WOSZ

You are generous.

 

EURIPIDES

Well, I’ve been forced to concede it’s a good story. I wish I’d thought it up myself.

 

WOSZ

But will it play well in Athens? After all, your gods are not the same.

 

EURIPIDES

Oh, all gods are the same! Our gods would love your Sun Zhu. He sounds like a good man.

 

WOSZ (raising her cup)

To good men.

 

EURIPIDES (raising his)

To the muses.

 

 

They drink. Cratinus and Euphorion appear out of E + W’s sight..

 

 

EURIPIDES

So we agree then, my Art at War for your husband’s Waves.

 

EUPHORION

And which of your students wrote Art at War?

 

CRATINUS

A penniless one I’ll wager. Your game is up Euripides!

 

EURIPIDES

Why don’t you sit in Euphorion? I’ll give you a chance to get your money back and your crown too.

 

CRATINUS

Don’t trust the man.

 

EUPHORION

What’s your proposal?

 

EURIPIDES

That you work for me again and you take the purse the Persians offer.

 

CRATINUS

And he trusts you to send the money back?

 

EURIPIDES

He can go to watch. As a matter of fact, he can be Didaskalos if he wants.

 

EUPHORION

You’d give me the plaudits?

 

CRATINUS

He’d give you to a travelling circus!

 

EURIPIDES

You too Cratinus, if you weren’t above writing for choruses. You pay your way there though! I’m not about to pay for a travelling circus!

 

EURIPIDES

That’s ridiculous!

 

CRATINUS

Think about it. What’s a trip across the Hellespont?

 

EUPHORION

It’s a trick. There’ll be actors to pay. He’s setting us up.

 

EURIPIDES

Her lot work for nothing. They will on this, right?

 

WOSZ

Dumb ass, the Emperor pays!

 

EUPHORION

And what’s the prize?

 

WOSZ

More than you could carry.

 

 

Euphorion sits.

 

 

EURIPIDES

Why don’t we go to work on it right now?

 

 

Cratinus sits.

 

 

CRATINUS

What’s the title?

 

EURIPIDES

The Art of War.

 

CRATINUS

Alright. I’m in!

 

EUPHORION

One question.

 

EURIPIDES

Go.

 

EUPHORION

My man said you brought something from Cleon’s house. What was it?

 

EURIPIDES

They call it the Mask of the Indus.

 

EUPHORION

And what is it?

 

EURIPIDES

Well, there’s something none of us knew about Socrates’ death.

 

CRATINUS

Which is?

 

EURIPIDES

That it didn’t happen when or where everybody thinks it did.

 

WOSZ

He faked his execution and travelled East.

 

CRATINUS

Why?

 

EURIPIDES

He wanted to meet the wisest man in the world.

 

 

Scene 5: The Feast of Dionysia

 

 

ARCHON

Now we crown the winner of our contest who brought us Waves of Andromeda – I give you Euripides!

 

 

Cleon Crowns Euripides and retreats, applauding backstage. The crowd cheers as Cratinus and Euphorion enter the back of the theatre dressed at Persians, trying to run.

 

 

CRATINUS

CHARLATAN!!

 

EUPHORION

PLAGIARISER!

 

 

Crowd boo. The chorus in the front row as Athenian notables get on their feet to protect the stage from Cratinus and Euphorion. Cleon re-enters from backstage carrying a bag.

 

 

CLEON

Who are these Persians?

 

CRATINUS

We are no Persians!

 

 

 

THE IMPERIAL COURT OF XI’AN

The Emperor is sitting above the court and Sun Zhu stands before him.

 

 

EMPEROR

You have surpassed yourself Sun Zhu. Not only is my court, alone in all the kingdom, safe, but I now have a reference manual, not the stupidest of Mandarin’s can fail in! You are quite brilliant.

 

SUN ZHU

Your greatness, it takes only simple living, good sense and faith in heaven to shine.

 

EMPEROR

And first below heaven you might be, but must you leave, us so soon? We feast tonight.

 

SUN ZHU

Simpler if I attend my wife, your eminence we have been many years apart.

 

EMPEROR

A testament to her loyalty as well as yours. Please deny her no longer. First, for your house.

 

 

Servants bring chest of gold. They bow to the Emperor and stand in readiness.

 

 

SUN ZHU

His majesty is good.

 

 

Sun Zhu bows and backs out of the room. The servants follow. - exit.

 

 

IMPERIAL PALACE

Sun Zhu strolls followed by slaves and is soon joined by WOSZ.

 

 

WOSZ

Did we please his eminence?

 

SUN ZHU

Had we not, I would walk brisker than this.

 

WOSZ

We can take our time tonight.

 

SUN ZHU

Oh we will take our time tonight!

 

WOSZ

And tomorrow night.

 

SUN ZHU

And the night after. I feared you would be late.

 

WOSZ

I nearly was late. I had company as far as the Tigris.

 

SUN ZHU

The Greeks?

 

WOSZ

Two Greeks!

 

SUN ZHU

Funny people!

 

WOSZ

There was that!

 

SUN ZHU

But you never met Socrates. Now there was an interesting man.

 

WOSZ

Although after meeting some Greeks who did meet him I understand this whole affair better. It was right that we continued the work he and Confucius began.

 

SUN ZHU

I ache to know if they liked my play.

 

WOSZ

We’ll know through the grapevine.

 

SUN ZHU

There’s also that!

 

 

They exchange a smile.

 

 

WOSZ

I had Euripides’ word that he would not change a thing – except for the names of the gods.

 

SUN ZHU

Good man! Did you change his work?

 

WOSZ

Maybe a little of the context.

 

SUN ZHU

Then he must be formidable!

 

WOSZ

In his own way.

 

 

 

Exodos: Dionysia as before.

 

 

 

EUPHORION

Get off me! GET OFF! Cleon, that man is a fraud!

 

 

Cleon recognizes Euphorion.

 

 

CLEON (laughing)

Are you a late entry into the comedy? Then you’re late!

 

CRATINUS

We’re an early entry to the law assembly. That man didn’t write that play you just saw!

 

CLEON

Which you missed!

 

EUPHORION

But from which we can quote!

 

CLEON

Because you wrote it?

 

CRATINUS

The Persian wrote it!

 

CLEON

Well, you’re dressed for that part at least!

 

EUPHORION

Out of the way!

 

 

Euphorion and Cratinus march by the amazed notables and ascend the stage. Euripides watches impassive as they glare at him and turn, centre stage in front of him and Cleon, to the audience. Cleon moves to where he can be seen.

 

 

EUPHORION

8 months ago you were visited by a Persian asking you for the name of Athens’ greatest poet.

 

CRATINUS

A Persian woman.

 

CRATINUS

Except she wasn’t from Persia at all!

 

CLEON

A Persian who wasn’t a Persian. Go on.

 

EUPHORION

She came from a land as far from Persia as the Euphrates is from the Land of the Berbers.

 

EURIPIDES

That’ll explain the hair!

 

CRATINUS

But we didn’t know until we found an interpreter.

 

CLEON

But she spoke Greek.

 

EURIPIDES

BOOM BOOM!

 

EUPHORION

Not to us she wouldn’t!

 

EURIPIDES

what would be the point?

 

EUPHORION

He’s behind all this!

 

 

Euphorion and Cratinus turn to face Euripides. (wait for laughter) Cratinus and Euphorion separate and walk to either end of the stage.

 

 

CRATINUS

The mask is coming off Euripides! I promise!

 

EURIPIDES

The look on your face wont.

 

EUPHORION

The wind is going to change, Euripides. I tell you that!

 

EURIPIDES

Forewarned is..

 

 

Euripides suddenly realises he is surrounded by Euph and crat and looks resigned.

 

 

EURIPIDES

Oh well!

 

CRATINUS

There was a plot!

 

CLEON

An argument would do!

 

CRATINUS

Very well, then. ARE WE SO ARRAIGNED?

 

CHORUS

WE ARE SO ARRAIGNED!

 

EURIPIDES

ARE WE SO ATTIRED?

 

CHORUS

WE ARE SO ATTIRED!

 

CRATINUS

The Persian..

 

EURIPIDES

HUT!

 

 

Euripides jumps as if in shock and looks for a Persian to fight.

 

 

CRATINUS
...offered Euripides a play in exchange for one of his own..

 

CLEON

The Persian woman who wasn’t a Persian woman was a man?

 

EUPHORION

Her husband was the man!

 

EURIPIDES

He’s learning!

 

CRATINUS

Her husband works for the King of the Han!

 

CHORUS

The King of the Han’s a play write?

 

CLEON

More credible than the Persian woman who’s neither.

 

EUPHORION

The King of Han’s man! The man from The Han who..

 

CRATINUS

The King’s Han!

 

EURIPIDES

Who was a Han man man of the Han.

 

EUPHORION

Who wrote the play!

 

EURIPIDES

Which we’re rehearsing?

 

EUPHORION

The one which you passed off as your own.

 

EURIPIDES

The one that you’re about to quote from.

 

CLEON

Go ahead and amuse yourselves. We’ve already seen it.

 

 

Cratinus makes a decision.

 

 

CRATINUS

Right. I’ll play the Southerner.

 

EUPHORION

Then we need to switch places.

 

 

Cratinus and Euphorion swap places then realise it made no difference. The stage is symmetrical.

 

 

CRATINUS

Your life’s a feathered..

​

CLEON

Wait! ANDROMEDA.

 

CRATINUS

Your life’s a feathered nest. You collect favours like a maid, plain of face but great in taste collects wigs and dress. A famed creator of loneliness, off every suitors brow a bead on your abacus. The road to your heart has no rest. Heroes see no demon and scholars offered no test. Your own wills what you miss the best.

 

What you ask they produce. They erect empires, when in place of the novel, the noble, you seek new excuse. Mortal Goddess. Mistress of phoniness. Your parade a charade to Demeters mysteries. Your curse a thirst without sate. As Nereus, no sons, as Narcissus, no mate.

A heart Eros can’t penetrate.

 

EUPHORION

You are the princess of pain. Hold up a silver plate and see the wreckage of kingdoms under your train. A Midas of misery. Of happy fates bereft. An embrace of love as the kiss of death. Every land you’ve wed has bled. To each royal house you’ve left a prince less. A river of blood flows to your bed.

 

You’re a gift complete. Men will do murder for such a pure love with beauty replete. Pluto’s accomplice. A heart of hungriness who will empty the world of lovers until only you are left to suffer your loveliness. A disaster in compatibility. A conveyancer to love and life’s equanimity. Measure is your last virginity!

 

CLEON

The boys pulled it off as women, but it’s just too funny as Persians! You may even start a new trend!

 

EURIPIDES

Maybe even world peace!

 

EUPHORION

He bought that for a play we three wrote.

 

CLEON

A play from which you can also quote?

 

 

Euphorion and Cratinus cross the stage again.

 

 

CLEON

Enough of this senseless movement!

 

EURIPIDES

I was glad for the break!

 

EUPHORION

THE ART OF WAR!

 

CLEON

A good beginning!

 

CRATINUS

It’s the title!

 

CLEON

Who wrote which part?

 

CRATINUS

Well go!

 

EUPHORION

What scene?

 

CLEON

Well rehearsed you are.

 

EURIPIDES

Mine was definitely more memorable!

 

CRATINUS

Second Chorus! Second Chorus!

 

 

Euphorion begins to cross the stage.

 

 

EUPHORION

Second Chorus!

 

 

He runs back. Euripides begins to dance side to side until and doesn’t stop until applause.

 

 

EURIPIDES

THE ART OF WAR!

 

CRATINUS AND EUPHORION

Terrain…

 

 

They glare at each other.

 

 

EURIPIDES

They’re fighting already!

 

CRATINUS

You!

 

EUPHORION

YOU!

 

CRATINUS

Okay. me.

Six and only six to wit terrains there are for battling. Ground to which both sides may reach with light won’t cast it’s supply chain shadow. March under Apollo.

 

CLEON

The Han worship Apollo?

 

CRATINUS

The Han didn’t write this. The Han wrote Andromeda, which they called Waves. This is the play the three of us wrote and gave to the hen!

 

EURIPIDES

The hen worships Apollo?

 

CLEON

Don’t be put off son. We know these foreign girls are scary when you first see them. Get in there!

 

EURIPIDES

We hesitate.

 

CLEON

Somewhat!

 

EUPHORION

WE HESITATE

 

CLEON

Some more!

 

EUPHORION

We hesitate abandoning what’s so hard a reclamation, but yet do most carefully attend it’s preparedness for action. For were we to assally what’s coquettishly affection, we’d leave failure certain as a Mandarin’s missus vivisection.

 

CLEON

It’s quite good.

 

EURIPIDES

That’s probably one of my bits.

 

CRATINUS

He owns to it!

 

EURIPIDES

I’ll take the crown I’m given.

 

EUPHORION

But the crown is the other side of Persia.

 

CHORIST (far left)

From where I’m sitting!

 

CLEON

Is there more?

 

CRATINUS

Plenty more.

 

CLEON

Well write it down, won’t you. And rehearse it. You’ve got all year! Now please excuse me. I have other affairs of state.

 

 

Cleon walks through the centre towards the back exit of theatre.

 

 

CRATINUS

What have you got in the bag?

 

EUPHORION

WAIT!

 

CRATINUS

WAIT!

 

EURIPIDES

Will it ever lift?

 

EUPHORION

CLEON!

 

CLEON

YES?

 

 

Cleon stops and turns three quarters back.

 

 

EUPHORION

What have you got in the bag?

 

CRATINUS

Yes, Cleon. What have you got in your bag?

 

CLEON

My bag?

 

 

Cleon holds up the bag which says Dionysia on it.

 

 

EUPHORION

But nonetheless the property of Athens.

 

CLEON

Most assuredly the property of Athens!

 

CRATINUS

And is Athens none of ours?

 

CLEON

Not dressed like that.

 

 

He turns to exit but Euphorion strips.

 

 

EUPHORION

I am uncloaked! Now show us!

 

 

Cleon takes the mask of Socrates out of the bag, now fully restored.

 

 

CLEON

A reminder to all of Attic wisdom, that if one inquires about a ruling, ask a ruler, and if one inquires about a drama, ask a dramatist.

 

 

He holds the mask towards Euripides.

 

 

CLEON

And if you inquire about your image, gentlemen, ask your barber.

 

 

Cleon exits. Euphorion turn to Euripides.

 

 

EUPHORION

And if I inquire about the whereabouts of YOUR mask, Euripides?

 

EURIPIDES

Where sits the mask of Euripides? Anyone could tell you boys. Ask yourselves.

 

 

Exit Euripides. Exit Euphorion. Exit Cratinus.